she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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