running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize