I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
If I die, sorry about rent.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
