it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
