omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
