this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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