Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
