Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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