how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize