so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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