i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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