I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize