11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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