I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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