found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
