Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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