I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
