Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
