So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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