I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
