My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
