his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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