So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
