nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
