grandma shit on top of the toilet
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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