I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
