my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
