It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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