i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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