She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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