So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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