he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
