I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
