Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
