I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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