____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
