Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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