I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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