you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
