He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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