i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
