I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
