I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
