im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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