Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
