Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
