Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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