All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Randomize
