I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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