thus making me awesome and them whores
Banned from zoo.
Again?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
