4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
