umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
