Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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