yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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