my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
