Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
