I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
