sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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