Umm I'm too high to move.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
