She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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